I would define sheltering as keeping children as unaware as possible of the sin and misery of the outside world during their formative years, while surrounding them with sufficient examples of virtue and a wholesome worldview that will aid in their growth and salvation.

The problems that arise when parents attempt to implement this are varied, as we have touched on. However, sheltering certainly has its benefits.

1. The chief goal of the Catholic parent is to usher the souls entrusted to him to salvation to the best of his ability. This is why we baptise our children as soon as possible after they are born, why we ensure they receive their other sacraments in a timely fashion, and why we encourage them to have their own relationships with Christ and His Mother. For the same reason, it would be neglectful of us to fail to remove a child from harm's way, if even through exposure to concepts, images or actions that, even when not sinful in themselves, the child is not mature enough to assimilate and put in their proper place.

2. Children have had their original sin washed away by the waters of regeneration in baptism, leaving behind the grace of Christ to overcome their natural concupiscence. We as parents must provide early training such that this concupiscence is minimized. Providing unfettered access to anything a child desires is not training, but rather giving in to our child's fallen nature. This is to be avoided, as there is no better time to create virtuous habits than when our children are young and easily molded.

3. We believe that children are naturally innocent, and we must seek to preserve this innocence as long as possible, following the words of St. James, "Religion is... to keep one's self unspotted from this world." (1:27) And what was our Lord promoting when he said "For unless you become like a child, you will not enter into the kingdom of heaven"? (Matt 18:3) It is obvious there is such a thing as a state of childhood, which if Christ bids adults to return to, must be worth preserving.

4. The catechism of the Catholic Church teaches us that parents must create a home "where tenderness, forgiveness, respect, fidelity, and disinterested service are the rule. The home is well suited for education in the virtues. This requires an apprenticeship in self-denial, sound judgment, and self-mastery - the preconditions of all true freedom. Parents should teach their children to subordinate the 'material and instinctual dimensions to interior and spiritual ones.'" Protecting children from the influences of our modern hedonistic, anti-Christian, anti-consequence society would seem only the first step in accomplishing the above.

Seeing that there may be compelling reasons to shelter our beloved offspring, how we can do this while steering clear of the pitfalls we mentioned?

We cannot shelter them in a vacuum. The critics of sheltering are correct in that this practice is indeed "taking away" something from our children. We cannot hope to succeed at our goal if we do not provide something with which to replace what we remove or withhold. Thus, I believe it is important for us to ensure our children are well versed in Bible stories, the lives of the saints, and other religious aids in teaching virtue. But equally important, and easily neglected by the careful parent, are stories of fantasy and adventure. Fairy tales (the right kind of fairy tales) are beneficial for a child for many reasons, including that they stimulate and excite the imagination, they instill the child with a sense of justice, and encourage the child's innate belief in the supernatural, which eventually will be helpful when teaching them the mysteries of Holy Mother Church. (For a lengthy prose passage extolling fairy tales I recommend the chapter on it in Chesterton's Orthodoxy.) 

This applies not only to entertainment, but also to activities. We must fill our children's lives with fun and love. If we will not allow them to go to Johnny's pool party, we should be busy planning a family picnic to which Johnny may be invited. The goal is not merely to keep them from the bad, but also to promote the good -- and we do this by tugging on the strings of their hearts. We must make our home so welcoming, so comfortable, so orderly, so loving and so fun, that being kept there is not a punishment, but something they look forward to and somewhere they can't wait to bring their friends. We don't have to do this with stuff-- actually, "stuff" can be quite a hindrance to happiness. Rather we should seek to early inculcate in our young a love of simply being together. Teach the children new games and songs. Bake or cook together. Create family traditions that everyone enjoys and would be loathe to miss. What we want is for our children to prefer the home environment, not out of fear of the "big bad outside world," but because it is a good place to be. Sheltering our children should ultimately cause them to choose the good over the bad. We must make this easy for them by helping to make the safe alternative, the attractive one.

This being said, I believe it is extremely important to be proactive in monitoring and limiting a child's intake of popular media. Many programs on public television or videos fall under the category of "not harmful," and they may certainly be the cause of a busy mother's prayer of thanksgiving so she can take a shower or do some necessary chore. However, personally I try to be cautious to stay away from this type of electronic babysitter. There is only so much time that we have our child in our full time care. (For some - homeschoolers - this may be longer than others, but in any case it's limited.) I believe the majority of what our children watch, read and listen to should be positively beneficial, rather than simply "not harmful." There may be different ways a program can be beneficial (educational, actively teaching virtue, etc.), but I think that many parents are so relieved to find something their child can watch that isn't full of sex and violence, that they often forget to ask what actual purpose is served. This kind of vigilance is especially necessary in the early years before the age of reason, and increasingly less so as the child obtains a vocabulary to describe and critique what he observes. Naturally, discussion must be actively pursued and it should not be assumed that the child is handling well what he sees simply because he has arrived at a certain age.

It is a fact, however, that eventually our children will leave our protective environment for good. Thus one goal of effective sheltering is that parents should always be seeking out opportunities to develop a child's own conscience and critical thinking skills. This can be done in the course of every day life. One way might be to discuss stories or
shows with your child, using labels to describe the behavior of the characters. "Charlotte was acting generously, wasn't she?...  Was Molly being obedient or disobedient?" These labels provide concrete examples of the definition of virtues and ills which a child needs in order to move to the next step of analyzing well, which along with conscience formation will lead to choosing wisely.

What are some other reasons we must protect our children's innocence?
What more ways can we ensure that our children can grow up healthy, happy and innocent?
Are there some litmus tests we can use to ascertain when our child is ready for more information and exposure? 

What does it mean that a particular parenting technique "works" or "doesn't work"?

It's all a function of goals, isn't it?

There are so many moments of urgency and immediacy in parenting. Sometimes it feels like there are nothing but crises (real or imagined). In this kind of environment it becomes extremely tempting to just focus on what you need to do to get through today - or maybe just this minute - and lose sight of a bigger picture.

But I think it's necessary to consider what we are aiming at for more reasons than one. First, it has been well said that he who aims at nothing will seldom miss. Second, and perhaps more importantly, it is only possible to measure the success of your own parenting by measuring it against something. Third, if you realize by stating your goals out loud, that they are shallow, unreasonable, or even selfish, you may find you have some re-thinking to do which will inform your parenting methods.

For example, I recently read online the first chapter of a parenting book that a friend was recommending to me. What the author had written horrified me to the point that I didn't even know where to begin critiquing it. It occurred to me that in parenting, it is really essential to consider what is the final result we are after. Here is what this particular author had to say about what a mother who followed his method would look like:

“Another mother walks in with her little ones and sits down to talk. She says to them, "Go out in the sun-room to play and don't bother Mama unless you need something." For the next two hours we are not even aware the children are present--except when a little one comes in holding herself saying, "Pee-pee, Mama." They play together well, resolve their own conflicts and don't expect attention when one turns the rocking horse over and gets a knot on her head. They don't come in and out--they have been told not to.”

It is pretty obvious that the goal of this author's approach is to raise children who are not bothersome. He doesn't want to even be "aware the children are present" unless absolutely necessary. These children of his fancy don't rely on their mother for comfort even when physically hurt. No boo-boo kissing here! They don't mind being away from their mom for any length of time. Instead, they are satisfied to be comforted by objects such as pacifiers and toys. These "wonderful" children require little hands-on time, and they disrupt the parents' life and schedule as little as possible. People wouldn't even know you had kids! You might even make parenting attractive to some of your single friends who thought being married and tied down with kids was likely to change their whole life. But to look at you, it seems parenting could actually be the selfish, responsibility-loathing grasshopper's dream come true!

Now, if these were my parenting goals, I would certainly say that if the author's methods get me to this point, they "work"! But considering that these are almost completely antithetical to my goals (and my sanctification!) if I end up with this result, I certainly have failed miserably at parenting.

Parents who have bought into this type of method often tsk-tsk at any way to deal with children that seems to be child-centered. But honestly, what is parenting about anyway? You can be a grownup whether you have kids or not. But you can't be a parent without children. Thus I believe it is safe to say that children are the key factor in being a parent. Why then is it so horrible to have child-centered parenting? Why is parent-centered parenting any more holy than child-centered parenting?

Critics of child-centered parenting lament that it simply gives a child a selfish world view which will not do him well in the future. However, not only do I believe that this follows from a misunderstanding of what it means to be a child-centered parent, but if you think about it, how does parent-centered parenting teach the child to be anything BUT selfish? You are modeling to your child on more-than-daily basis that as a parent, "MY schedule may not be disrupted. MY time to chat with my friends is sacred. MY nighttimes are my own and I will not allow them to be interfered with by anything so paltry as your needs. I can enforce this because I am bigger and stronger and you are helpless and vulnerable." As one of my AP parent friends said to me, "After all, we know that man's chief end is uninterrupted sleep. That's how he glorifies God."

What is my goal for my children? That they would come to love Christ, and seek to serve him with obedience for the sake of that love. Will I teach them to love Christ by modeling a God who is quick to punish, who is short on mercy, who requires of us more than we can perform, only to lie in wait and catch us missing the mark in an "aha! Now you're in for it!" sort of way?

On the contrary, my goal as a parent, starting in my child's infancy, is to model Christ to him as much as possible. "Follow me, as I follow Christ," to borrow from St. Paul. Christ has given his body for me, I must give my body for my children. Christ gave up his comfort for me - to the point of unbearable pain - that we might be comforted! I can give up a few (ok, maybe many) nights of sleep to comfort my child. Christ gently guides us and when we fail, forgives us in confession and gives us light penance to keep us from being discouraged. I can use gentle discipline as well to keep from crushing their spirits and becoming frustrated and discouraged. Christ taught us to pray, "Lead us not into temptation." I can adjust my expectations for my children based on their abilities and maturity level, and not expect them to demonstrate the same level (or sometimes greater!) of self-discipline as an adult would.

If I can find a combination of techniques or methods that will accomplish these goals, then I can consider it to have "worked." Simply shutting the kids up in the here and now, while it certainly might be nice once in a while, doesn't, to me, indicate my success as a parent in this scheme.
 

This morning I woke up and had this phrase in my head that developed into what could be a series of pro-life commercials. I wrote down my initial ideas for them and thought I would share them with you.


A convertible playing party music, with two young long-haired women inside, turns into a medical complex. Camera zooms to the driver’s face, a pretty woman in her late 20s/early 30s. She looks at her passenger.

FRIEND: [with concern] Are you sure I can’t stay with you? Just for support?
WOMAN: No, thanks. I just want to put this behind me. They say it is a simple procedure. Just pick me up in about an hour and a half.
FRIEND: OK, see you then.

The woman gets up and shuts the car door. As the convertible pulls away she turns toward the medical building and for the first time we get a good look at her and see that she is pregnant. She looks up at the building and reads the sign which says “Clinic.” When she starts to walk, she realizes she is about to run right into a woman with a stroller.

STROLLER LADY: Whoops, I’m sorry.
WOMAN: No, I’m sorry.

The stroller whooshes away and WOMAN sees a cute pink baby hat on the ground. She picks it up and starts after STROLLER LADY.

WOMAN: Wait! You forgot y–

WOMAN notices the stroller is out of sight. Looks at the baby hat, looks at the entrance of the building, looks at the baby hat.

Next scene:
FRIEND pulls up in convertible, this time playing calmer music. WOMAN is sitting on a park bench close to the building, still holding the baby hat. FRIEND looks at WOMAN and sees her with one hand on her belly, looking down and smiling.

FRIEND: Is everything ok?
WOMAN: It will be, I hope.

WOMAN walks to car and gets in.

WOMAN: Change of plans. Can you take me to pick out some nursery bedding?
FRIEND: Sure, I know just the place.
Women continue to chatter happily as convertible pulls away.

Appears on the screen in large letters: CHOOSE LIFE.

VOICEOVER BY ANNOUNCER: Opinions may be changed to protect the innocent.



A young, pretty black WOMAN is sitting on the examining table at the doctor’s office.
DOCTOR comes in with a clipboard.

DOCTOR: Well, you’re pregnant.
WOMAN (shocked): What?
DOCTOR: Oh, this wasn’t a planned pregnancy?
WOMAN: Well, no, not at all. I’m still finishing school, my husband is working two jobs… this is really bad timing actually.
DOCTOR: No problem. We can take care of that for you. Our receptionist will set up an appointment for a couple of weeks from now. See you back then.

WOMAN wanders out of the office in a daze, goes to reception, looks at an appointment card that is handed to her, walks out of the doctor’s office.

She gets home, goes to her closet, takes out a shoebox size box from the top of her closet and opens it. It is full of memorabilia from her childhood. At the bottom are her first pair of satin shoes that she wore home from the hospital. (They are attached to a card with a photo of her as a baby wearing them.) She takes out the card and shoes, sets them on her desk, and picks up the telephone. She looks at her appointment card, dials a number.

WOMAN: Hi, I’m calling to cancel an appointment.

Appears on the screen in large letters: CHOOSE LIFE.

VOICEOVER BY ANNOUNCER: Opinions may be changed to protect the innocent.