Back in February 2007 I wrote a
post asking for input on Catholic child rearing. At the time I was just trying to rethink some of my previous philosophies that had been informing my child rearing methods. Now, over a year later, I have really come to change my approach on so many levels. It's hard even to know where to begin to explain the how and what, but I'll attempt a series of posts on my general thoughts hope it generates some discussion.
One important aspect that has really affected my whole attitude is the Catholic concept of respecting other people as made in God's image. Even children fall into this category! It sounds stupid but it is really easy to forget sometimes, that even infants and toddlers are people too, people deserving of respect by nature of the image they bear. They have their own feelings, preferences and desires, their own souls, and their own free will. This really has an effect on how I try to train them.
Do I simply go for obedience training - Pavlovian cause and effect, if you will? It certainly has its advantages, training the kids so that "When I say 'jump,' you say 'how high?'" But this does not take into account the fact that I must give
them the tools to shape their consciences, so that they are not merely blindly obedient, but are able to choose obedience themselves. Does it take more work to do the latter? You betcha. A lot more. And more patience, and more waiting for them to mature. But that is the trouble with having an ideology. You have to be a little bit forward-thinking sometimes.
Should I select methods simply because they "work" (another post on "what works?" might be forthcoming) or is there another factor involved? Pinching, slapping, hair pulling, biting (to cure biting, e.g.) might all work to adjust a behavior, but aren't they inherently disrespectful of the people that are our children? I need to choose methods that are appropriate. I can use my size (bigger than they!) to accomplish this respectfully, such as physically moving them away from a temptation or danger. I can choose to correct them privately as opposed to in public (humiliation). I can inspire them by stories of saints or other children who exemplify the behavior I wish them to emulate. I can model the good behavior myself, rather than adopting a "do what I say, not what I do" mentality which is all too common in the methods which are heavy on fear-based behavior modification. It's easy enough to strike fear in your children's hearts. Not so easy to inspire them, but much more worth it in the long run!
A final point, on the notion of free will. As Catholics we believe strongly in free will. Free will is not an illusion, nor is it mere semantics. We actually have the capacity to make choices every day which will determine our own eternal fate. Therefore, as parents we must respect our children's free will, because it is given to them by God Himself, just as He gave one to us. Thus any method that strives to "break" a child's will is completely contrary to Catholic doctrine. The proper goal is to provide a track in the right direction on which the child's will can freely run. Does this mean that as parents we simply accept misbehavior? Not at all! It merely informs the way we treat misbehavior. We might use natural consequences as much as possible, or contrived consequences when this is not possible due to excessive danger, etc. And we seek opportunities to discourage bad behavior as well as encourage good, while at the same time giving the child tangible tools to use for next time. Also, it helps to have a mindset of preventative discipline rather than a wait-then-fight-fires approach.
All this doesn't exclude corporal punishment per se, but corporal punishment is far inferior to other forms of motivation. Liken this to the fact that one can live a life free of mortal sin because he fears the pains of hell, but this is an inferior motivation than the pure love of God. If you can obtain the latter, the former is not necessary, but the former is only to be used as a bridge to the latter.
Comments (5)
I'm reading a book right now that sounds a lot like what you've written here. I never thought I was, but I'm noticing more and more that I'm a will-breaker type of parent. Obviously, it's not working, so I am trying to seek better parenting methods before I'm labeled a tyrant by my kids and they grow to resent me and fear their ability to make decisions.
This is a great post.
I didn't realize how much I love the "Catholic AP" style of parenting espoused in "Parenting With Grace" by Gregory Popcak until I recently went to a talk by Dr. Ray Guarendi (who is very funny and has some very valid suggestions) and found myself literally cringing at some of the more physical types of discipline (spanking included) he uses. Even though he uses them sparingly, and I have too in the past, I can't get past feeling that spanking is akin to bullying.
On a related note I was gazing into one of the babies' faces the other day and thinking that surely that was as close to touching God I could get on this earth. Children, especially babies, are such a great, generous gift that it often blows my mind.
@bubbelcat - I'm still thinking through spanking. I believe it is not morally wrong, if done properly, but of course I wish to stay away from it as much as possible for the reasons I listed in my final paragraph above. Since it sounds like you've come farther along the path of "growing out" of spanking I need to ask you a question. How do you deal with disobedience when you've got 20 emergencies coming out your nose?
In general, of course, it is ideal to stop what you are doing (no matter how late dinner will be, etc) and deal with the issue at hand gently and consistently. But let's say for example, you are holding one baby by the ankles while dealing with the biggest poopy diaper ever, while the other baby is screaming in hunger and that's next on your list, and then one of the other kids starts pulling a sibling's hair for instance and won't stop when asked not to. Don't forget all the chaotic screaming that ensues from the misbehavior and the hunger crying. I don't know how to command the immediate obedience to my voice command that I feel is necessary in some situations, without the "threat" of punishment such as spanking. Forget about how to do it without raising my voice!!
In other words, I feel like if I could totally start over with one child at a time and use their methods with each one, starting from early toddlerhood, then building from there, it might work great. But I am where I am, and I can't go back, and trying to switch midstream to the Catholic AP method sometimes feels like I got dumped into the deep end of a pool to learn how to swim.
In theory I totally agree with the Popcaks, but in practice I sometimes have no idea how it will work when there are multiple babies "ganging up" on me. If you have a practical suggestion I would be most grateful. (I've called the Popcaks several times for advice, btw, but of course they can't live in with me and advise as I go! Much as I would love that!)
I need answers to Sarah's question as well. Anyone? Anyone?
@PistachioChocolateWife - I've been thinking about your question and I think that there is absolutely nothing wrong with starting over. One thing I heard over and over at the IHM conference is that it's never too late to teach a child good discipline because really isn't our goal to teach our children to be self regulating? We do them a disservice when we don't teach them as consistently and frequently as possible how to control their own behavior. (And please keep in mind my children are nowhere near perfect angels. I'm going to post about that and why Catherine is the way she is later!)
I would start with the oldest child because that is like bonus teaching. Get the oldest in line and it makes it more automatic for the others to follow. Maybe not #2 or even #3 so much but definitely #4 on down will learn by example. We start over twice/year in my house. Once at New Year's where we set a family "theme" for the year and discuss with the kids what our family "is/does". We write these things down and post them in a prominent place in our home where we will all be reminded of them daily. Our theme for 2008 is Self Responsibility because we were having a lot of issues with blaming siblings for things. Our "is/does" statement starts off "We are a family who: 1. shares, 2. spends time together, 3. speaks kindly and encouragingly, etc." We limit this statement to 5 things for the sake of simplicity. So that's New Years.
The second time we start over is at the beginning of the school year. Now that we'll be homeschooling this year this will be a big starting over because we'll be setting up a daily routine and giving the kids more responsibility around the house. I'll let you know in Nov. how that works out, lol!
More specifically to your questions I am starting over with Catherine right now. For various reasons she has lacked discipline. On top of having a very strong personality we have created a child who very few people want to be around which is sad because she is capable of far more self regulation than we have expected from her and it's our own fault. The trick for us has been being as consistent as situations allow and it is, after 6 months!, paying off.
When the kids are all "ganging up" on you and you suddenly have a hair pulling to deal with then the only thing I can recommend is to tell the child to go to timeout, or their room, or whatever you do, and deal with it as soon as you can. There is no perfect solution to this problem except having taught them often prior to this type of situation that when you say go to time out you mean it and will follow through if they don't. It will take time and of course they won't always listen BECAUSE you are distracted. Just make sure to follow through as soon as you can.
I mentioned Ray Guarendi earlier and while I don't agree with everything he espouses he has some effective methods I intend to try out and I am going to buy his "Discipline that Lasts a Lifetime" book. One method I am going to use is "Blackout". That is, if a child is given a discipline they can CHOOSE to serve it. But if they choose not to serve it then they are on blackout (no tv, no videogames, no computer, no toys, no friends, etc.) until that discipline is served. This, I have found, works MUCH better for my 7 & 8 year olds than my 3 year old. It works so well we only had to threaten it one time before they did their time out, lol!
Last book I will recommend is "The Temperment God Gave You". I adore the Bennets and I think you do need to take your child's temperment into consideration when dealing with them. Words I can use on my resilient 3 year old would send my sensitive 8 year old to tears. You have to be consistent but you can't treat all of them the same, kwim?