In the topic of truly Catholic child rearing, the question must eventually come to the fore: What is appropriate for my child to read, watch, hear? What topics should we try not to discuss in front of children? I think all Catholic parents would agree that some degree of caution, or sheltering if you will, is necessary, but there may be varying opinions on how to do it, or when it should start to be phased out.
"You're so sheltered." This was hurled at me derisively like an epithet throughout my high school and college years. There were certain movies I was not allowed to watch without my parents, certain outings I was not allowed to attend, radio stations I could not listen to, and certain young people I was not to associate with. There were certainly down sides, real and imagined, to this kind of life.
1. What comes to mind immediately is that it is all too easy for a sheltered child to
develop a certain judgmental attitude towards others with a looser view of Christian liberty than those to which he is accustomed. It's the old "There's only one way to skin a cat" mentality. One example that makes me giggle now is that at a music recital, a young girl I knew sang the song "
Eternal Flame." I had heard this playing in a store on a station I was not allowed to tune into, and I was horrified --first that she would sing such a pagan song, and second that my Christian music teacher would have allowed it at the recital! Now, that song has been relegated to the ranks of "oldie" and would today probably be played on the same kind of station I was allowed to listen to back when the Bangles were doing their thing.
2. Another common criticism of "sheltered children" is that they will feel deprived of a normal childhood, leading them to rebel at the first possible opportunity, and run straight for all the things that were forbidden them. The theory is that
making something unattainable is exactly what makes it attractive to young people, so a parent who denies his child free access to modern cultural trends is really just setting himself up for disaster. I think this is the foundation for the commonly held PK fallacy - pastor's kids are really more rebellious than regular kids. (Probably enhanced by plots such as that of
Footloose.) These may be some of the same parents who offer to let their children experiment with drugs or alcohol, thinking that if they take away the novelty, the child will naturally reject it as stupid.
3. Another oft-touted objection to sheltering children is one based on peer pressure: What will the child have to talk about with his TV-watching, moviegoing, video-gaming friends?
The sheltered child will be ostracized because he is a geek with nothing to say and no common ground for conversation. This in turn might lead to a loner mentality or similar loss of social skills that are a requisite for success in the real world.
4. Speaking of the real world, a primary objection to sheltering is that
when it's time for a little bird to leave the nest, they will be so ill prepared for the real world, that they will be completely impotent first to cope with real life, and secondly to succeed or make an impact in any sense, effectively crippling them as humans. Additionally there may be some danger of not knowing how to rebut the multitude of different opinions or philosophies, causing them to actually be more susceptible to peer pressure and "every wind of doctrine" than they otherwise would have. Thus any benefit of the sheltering only occurs until they leave home, or when they live a semi-hermit-like existence and retire from society.
This post is already long, so I will complete my thoughts later on the benefits of sheltering, addressing each of the points above, and start a discussion on how to accomplish it effectively.
For now I leave you with some questions for discussion:
As a child, were you sheltered too much, or not enough? How so? Can you think of any other
cons of sheltering to consider as a Catholic parent who wants his children to be salt and light?
(I'd like to save the "pros" discussion for the next post... so stay tuned!)
Comments (8)
My parents were liberals and didn't want to impose any religion on us. So, I was basically raised by TV, movies, rock music, and my liberal public school teachers. I did all the baddies at an early age. What a horrible way to raise children. I see now that this way of parenting is really just thinly veiled neglect. But then, they themselves had no moral code, so they had nothing to pass on to me. How I would have loved some good, old-fashioned limits; now that would have felt like love!
I feel like I had a pretty nice mix growing up. My parents definitely had rules about movies, friends etc., but they did a good job of adjusting them to match our ages and responsibility levels. We also homeschooled or went to Christian schools. The thing I appreciate the most though is that my parents were always open with talking about the things that go on in the "real world," and why they made the choices that they did. It was nice, because when I got to college I wasn't totally schocked and/or socially retarded, but I had learned enough not to do anything overwhelmingly stupid either.
I would probably say that any kind of sheltering that involves pretending that sex, drugs, and alcohol flat out don't exist will lead to some problems later on... Parents need to talk to their kids about these topics (at the appropriate age of course).
Another thought, if a child is too sheltered I think it might make it more difficult for him to come to his parents for help or advice if he really screws things up later on. He might worry that they'll be so shocked and horrified that they only make his stress level go up, or that they'll relegate him to official black sheep status.
I think I was sheltered a little bit, but not enough that I wasn't prepared intellectually for the onslaught of worldly philosophies in college. I was taught about these things, but I was ill-prepared on the practical/wisdom side of things and was quickly swept away into a worldly lifestyle even though I retained a Christian worldview.
I am glad I was sheltered as much as I was. I would like to shelter my children more early on and hope that they have more wisdom than I did when they leave the home.
@AccidentalApologist - That's a great one! I never thought of that.
@AccidentalApologist - "He might worry that they'll be so shocked and horrified that they only make his stress level go up"
This is a great point. I fully expect to have to explain my past faults to my children and whilst I don't look forward to the say where I have to do it, I feel that it will be a chance to impart some very good wisdom to them. My parents never told me how they screwed up and I think that it would have been nice to know that they had their own difficulties so that I would not have been so reluctant to speak to them about mine.
I was always made to feel like the "black sheep" because of my tendencies rather than talked to as a person with problems like everybody else. This made things much worse for me. Looking back though, I don't really know if my parents could have done anything differently with me. I was almost dead set on making a mess of my life.
My parents sheltered us as children...but, I guess at some point I started to be able to get away with anything I wanted? It was like they stopped paying attention? It is bizarre to think about. And even when I was living at home in my late teens doing many things they disapproved of -- right under their noses while they slept, no less! -- I honestly think...they had no idea? I'm a rotten liar and I could have been more careful in concealing what I was doing...but I wasn't...and somehow they still didn't notice. It is very boggling to me.
My family never really talked about issues...or what was going on in the world. I don't know. Neither of them went to college...so I came to know more about the humanities than they did. In a lot of ways I'm a self-made person when it comes to what I believe in and how I live. They set me on a path early on, but I don't know, I want to say when I was 13 or 14 I could get away with almost anything I wanted to, and largely did. Baby crying.